The Princess

Princess Exstrawment was out trying to surf the other day. I always get a kick out of watching him flop around, standing up in an uncoordinated mess of flailing arms and exaggerated movements, never in sync with the waves. This guys is a fiftysomething white haired little puke who hangs around with Gore (probably one of the few people who will tolerate him). He’s a former wind faggot, which is a truly disingenuous yuppie sport, and one where he should’ve stayed. He operates the local Tow Boats “R” Us franchise, where he charges folks a small fortune to go out and tow them in if they break down, or end up on the shallow spoils of the Laguna Madre. Sort of the twenty first century answer to the good Samaritan who used to help people out in the bay, knowing this was a rule of the sea. You help out the guy in trouble, because the next time it could be you. So this guy helps out folks in trouble, but extorts exhorbitant amounts of dinero from them in exchange. He’s pretty universally disliked around here, not so much for his towboat “service”, but just his general nasty, self centered demeanor. I know of several stories of his getting punched out when he’s shot his mouth at the wrong person. In fact Rocky, of the Night Magic punched him out once, and I hear they were (are?) friends. I’m still trying to get the details on that one. When I finally do, it’ll make a good story I’m sure.

It’s something about guys with the name Rick, or Ric. Whatever. Rick is a dick, as are most of the Ricks I’ve ever met. Now if you’re a Rick, but you’re not a dick, then let me apologize, and forgive my mere stereotyping…..

If you’ve followed the Eye for any length of time, you know that back in July I told you about an incident involving another Rick, the brother-in-law of Mark, who owns Anchor Marine. In an agro, drunken stupor, he mooned the TPWD game warden and got a bunch of folks thrown in jail on the fourth of July. And before that there was Rickthedick from up north…. and, there are other Ricks I’ve known and disliked who have exhibited similar fucked up ethos and egos…..soooo….

The Princess settled here a few years ago after having made a substantial amount of money (at least for this area) running cargo barges in the Netherlands or somewhere. Originally from San Fransisco (with a lisp), he went to Europe during the Vietnam war, dodging the draft. Real classy guy. Later he tried his hand at a number of things including owning and managing a local flophouse and marina, and other quasi- legitimate endeavors. Unlike the other pirates of this area, there are no endearing qualities to this pathetic moron, and really, I don't know for the life of me, why I'm even bothering to legitimize him at all by writing this. Might just be a personal catharsis, so humor me on this one. Always unsuccessful at business, the Princess somehow always manages to prosper by ripping everyone else off. You know the type, only concerned with their own personal aggrandizement.

We had the misfortune of crossing paths with this jerkoff back in 2003, when we rented a small house from him and an adjacent piece of property where we parked the Queen Mary, our beloved motorhome that we had lived aboard for the previous three years. An uninsured fire which occurred as we were about to bug out during tropical storm Claudette destroyed just about everything we owned, and the final result was that this little fella filed a suit in small claims court for “damages to his property”. Now in Texas, a renter is protected from such suits by law, but in small claims court…well one can sue for any reason. To add insult to injury, I’m pretty sure he filed an insurance claim on our loss, because not long after the fire he was driving a brand new motorhome hisself, and later moved to a real nice house over on the bay….but I digress.

We call him “the Princess” because one day, we were behind him at the stoplight and we noticed him fussing with his hair, just like a girl, arranging the front curl with his thumb and forefinger, trying to get it to cooperate just so. I don’t believe that he knew anyone was watching, and when his eyes focused in the mirror behind him and he saw us imitating his primping, he stalled this truck when the light went green in an effort to get out of there real fast.

He has a wife yaknow….do you know what she’s called?.....she’s called….incontinentia….incontinentia buttocks.

I put two and two together after having first met this woman, I mean here's the epitomy of butt-ugly. Wrinkles, gnarly hair, swellulite, veryclose veins and all, a putrification of the living corpse. A gen-u-wine female reflection of the princess himself.

Hell, if I had to fuck something like that on a regular basis, I’d be a pretty miserable bastard too. Probably goes a long way in explaining why he’s the way he is……